


Harry Potter and the Deathly Clichés

by bakedbreadfortwo



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Crack, Evil Ginny, Evil Hermione, Evil Ron, Friendly Goblins, Goblins worship Harry, Harry Potter Parody, Harry is every magical creature ever, Manipulative Dumbledore, Murdering people is fun, Practically everyone is evil, Time Travel, time turners
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-02
Updated: 2015-02-02
Packaged: 2018-03-10 04:53:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,442
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3277463
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bakedbreadfortwo/pseuds/bakedbreadfortwo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harry receives a mysterious letter during the summer break, finds out about his inheritance, and receives many new powers in this parody of clichés.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Harry Potter and the Deathly Clichés

It was a hot day in Privet Drive. Everyone was doing something productive, except for one Harry Potter, who was angsting.

Harry was having a horrible day. His relatives had locked him in a cupboard without any food for a month. They were also verbally abusing, beating, stabbing, and raping him. All he wanted was to get away from them.

As he was lying on a bed, bleeding all over the floor, an owl magically appeared in the room. It was carrying a strange letter, which Harry then irresponsibly picked up, without checking for any curses or such. You know, it's not like there was a Dark Lord after his head.

' _Mister Potter,_

_we have important news. You must drop whatever you are doing, and come to Gringotts._

_If you didn't catch that, we are insulting you by implying that whatever you are doing right now is completely irrelevant._

_Love, the goblins.'_

He read this incredibly short letter and immediately decided to visit Gringotts. YOLO, right?

* * *

 

Harry ran out of the house, and stepped through a plot hole right into the wizarding bank. He walked up to a goblin named Griphook.

"Hello, how may I help you?" the goblin inquired.

"Sir, somebody sent me this letter. It told me to visit Gringotts."

Griphook suddenly fell to his knees. "You are showing me respect, that means I must start worshiping you! Sharpknife, come here and escort our BFF to his vaults."

"My vaults?" Harry asked curiously.

"Yes. You see, you have inherited the Black, Potter, Gryffindor, Slytherin, Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw, Merlin, Malfoy, Lestrange, and, for some reason, Quirrell vaults." Sharpknife informed him.

"How did that happen?"

"Inbreeding," Griphook answered.

"Oh."

* * *

 

After a particularly fun and useless journey to every single one of the vaults, Harry met the Potter Account Manager. The manager's name was Sharpdagger.

"Hello, Mr. Potter. I'm just in this story to tell you that Dumbledore, the Weasley family, and Hermione have betrayed you," Sharpdagger informed him.

"How?" Harry inquired.

"They made you believe they were you friends, and that somehow allowed them to steal from your vaults. And this is the so-called 'second safest place in the wizarding world'."

"That... makes no sense."

"What did you expect? You inherited  _Merlin's_  vault and, as far as I know, Gringotts wasn't even built in Merlin's times. Nothing makes sense in Fanfiction."

Sharpdagger was immediately removed from the story for breaking the fourth wall.

Served him right.

* * *

 

Harry was filthy rich now, so he decided to raid the shops. First he bought a new super rare awesome chocolatey fudge-coated mega super trunk. It was bottomless and had a mansion in one of its pockets. Then he went to Madam Malkins and purchased some dragon-hide armor. And then he visited numerous bookshops.

There, he bought every single book on offensive spells he could find. Good thing he finally remembered the  _evil Dark Wizard trying to kill him_.

That small fact was very easy to forget.

He spent the rest of the summer in Potter Manor, which magically appeared somewhere in Hogsmeade, forget the fact that it would have been impossible to miss it.

* * *

 

Finally, September 1st arrived. Harry was sitting in an empty compartment. Cue Ron and Hermione barging in.

"Blimey, mate, why didn't you sit with us? Bloody hell!" the stereotypically British Ron said. Only Harry knew that the ginger was also a Death Eater.

"Yes, we were worried about you!" Hermione added.

"I don't care, because you are lying, selfish bastards!" Harry exploded. Not literally, though that would have been awesome.

"You are so mean!" Hermione sobbed and ran away. Ron threw an angry look at Harry, and followed her.

"Maybe I should take anger management classes..." the Boy-Who-Lived mused.

* * *

 

When Harry entered the Great Hall, the first thing he noticed was Dumbledore. The Headmaster's eyes were twinkling, which, for some reason, meant that he was reading Harry's mind. He also offered him a lemon drop, which was laced with calming, loyalty, and I-want-to-be-a-sacrificial-lamb potions.

Harry promptly responded by punching him. He thanked the Wizarding God that he knew all about Dumbledore's betrayal.

As he walked towards the Gryffindor table, somehow unpunished for punching the school's headmaster, he saw Ginny. Harry heard from the goblins that she was giving him love potions, which were why he suddenly fell in love with her. So he decided he would just kill her when he had the time.

Let's forget that Harry was supposed to have a good heart. Moral compasses don't exist here.

* * *

 

Three months had passed since the beginning of the school year. Harry continued to antagonize Ron, Hermione, Dumbledore, and Ginny, who was dead. Good thing he had Snape and Draco, who were his new best friends. I mean, read the books. Can't you just feel the camaraderie between those three?

Yes. Yes, you can.

But Voldemort was still running around murdering people and kicking puppies. Harry needed to defeat him as soon as possible. Wait, was he supposed to hate Voldemort in this fanfiction?

Who knew. Still, he should probably kill the Dark Lord when he had any free time.

Harry understood one thing- he didn't have enough time to learn enough to win against a 60 years old Dark Wizard. So, he went to the one place where he knew that he would find something to help him, the Room of Requirement.

When he finally ran up to the seventh floor, nearly getting a heart attack and resolving to start working out, he stepped towards the tapestry of that stoned dude who decided to teach trolls ballet. Just... why?

Harry walked by it three times, and when a door appeared in the wall, he opened it and gasped in surprise.

The Room of Requirement has turned into a library. It had a gajillion books,  _which is totally a real number_. He picked up the first book he saw, ' _How To Defeat a Dark Lord For Dummies_ '. There was also a time-turner on a shelf.

Harry immediately understood what he had to do. He had to use the time turner to read all the books, and then he would use the knowledge to defeat Voldemort.

I wonder why nobody has thought of doing that in the past 30-40 years.

* * *

 

**One day later**

While only a day passed in the real world, for Harry, it was a year. Time-turners were incredibly useful.

During that long time, he had found out he was a vampire, a werewolf, a veela, a woman, a goblin, a house elf, and became an animagus. His animagus form was a purple platypus.

He also learned dark magic, how to put up wards, create wands, and every spell that ever existed.

I'm pretty sure that's impossible.

But does anybody actually care?

* * *

 

When Harry strode into the Great Hall, everyone gasped. They could see his muscles through his shirt. Apparently, casting spells was physical exercise. Just like quidditch, because everyone knew that sitting on a broom all day made you ripped.

"Hello, my boy, where have you been the past day? You know, there were lessons, and everyone was freaking out about the disappearance of the Boy-Who-Lived. But I'm sure you don't care about country-wide panic." The Headmaster smiled at Harry. Mind you, it was an  _evil_  smile. Because he was  _evil_.

"I was training to defeat Voldemort! Well, I think I was training for that. Most of the things I learned have nothing to do with defeating a Dark Lord."

"Harry, my boy, I am afraid you have become evil. I must kill you. It is for your own good." Dumbledore disappointedly stared at Harry.

"What?!" Harry shouted.

Conveniently, Voldemort burst through the double doors. Dumbledore ran away, because that's what the most powerful wizard in the world does. Harry took out his wand and prepared to fight.

"Harry Potter, thou are going to die!" Voldemort yelled arrogantly.

"I don't think so. I learned a powerful spell when I was in the Room of Requirement. It can be used to destroy a person's horcruxes!" Harry smugly replied.

"No! It can't be!"

"Unimaginativus Latinus Spellus!"

As he cast the spell, all of Voldemort's horcruxes spontaneously combusted from the sheer awesomeness.

"And now,  _Avada Kedavra_!" Harry spoke. Voldemort fell to the ground sexily, finally dead.

Dumbledore, Ron and Hermione all ran into the room. They collectively pleaded, "Harry, please forgive us! We didn't mean to become evil!"

"I will never forgive you! And how can you not mean to become evil?" Harry asked, confused. "Doesn't matter. Avada Kedavra!"

As his former friends' bodies fell to the ground, Harry felt at peace with himself.

Because murdering people is good stress relief, of course.


End file.
